Week Thirty Eight

Poke

Before you go assuming anything, know that I’ve spoken with experts. My college roommate attended med school for a few semesters. I’ve consulted charts and watched YouTube videos. This should work.

The tools have been disinfected. I have bandages. I have painkillers. My phone is dialed to 9-1-1, I only need to hit “send” if something goes awry. But I assure you, nothing will go awry.

It’s very simple, really.

I’m about to drive a nail into my skull.

This isn’t some carnival magician’s ruse. I’m not slamming a nail into my nasal cavity. No, I’m using a hammer and nail to create a Burr Hole into my forehead … and I’m putting it on YouTube.

9:32pm: This is the start. I’ve used a Sharpie to mark a small “X” where I want to hammer. Based on what I see in the mirror in front of me, I’m guessing it’s about an inch above my brow and dead-center. This is a good spot. It should cleanly miss the supratrochlear artery.

9:34pm: I’m trying to build up the nerves. The 1,442 live viewers on my YouTube channel are helping.

9:35pm: I’ve got the nail held firmly between my left thumb and index finger. I guess it’s just a matter of taking a swing.

9:36pm: Lot’s of blood. More than I was anticipating. But I can’t get the nail to stick in. I think the angle is wrong.

9:42pm: I’ve sat here for the past few minutes with a bandage pressed into my head trying to stem the bleeding. But it gave me time to think. I’m going about this wrong. I need an external force to get the nail stuck in my head.

9:48pm: It’s set up. I’ve used chewing gum to stick the nail on my forehead. To get it into the bone, my plan is to take a running jump head-first into the wall of my kitchen. Let’s see how this goes.

9:49pm: Missed.

9:50pm: Misssed.

9:51pm: Nail fell out,

9:52pm: got it

9:54pm: It’s probbaly a few millimeters in. Im gonna usue the hammer to finnish the job

9:55pm: Lotof blood

9:59pm: paain

10:01pm: I cant foowwe but its oo kk

10:03pm: oto a kf o ai